A Brief History Of Spontaneous Combustion Films

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Spontaneous Comustion Films started life in a similar fashion to Dreamworks SKG, which was of course begun by Steven the Spielberg. S-C-F was in fact started by Paul Greengrass in the summer of '69 with the famous words: "I want to do it downstairs because its funny and I've got something to sit on". With this inspirational line by his side he began to circle the world for the best of the best in the movie business. Unfortunately he found none and he eventually ended up in Zaire where he discovered the miraculous directing talents of James Layton. They immediately found themselves to be on the same wavelength and Spontaneous Combustion Films was now well under way. Now they had a producer and a director the next step was to find an editor.

Of course they could have found someone else next but these were troubled times and it was the editors breeding season, it was the natural time to find new talent. They ended up in China due to their lack of trousers, which was the perfect place to find the massive talent of Tim Mountford. He was discovered eating a McHamster Burger in his local McDonalds restaurant and was asked to be the editor in Spontaneous Combustion Films. He could hardly be heard when answering so they took it as a yes and pushed him into the trolley that they were touring the world in. They soon decided that life could get hard without any proffessional actors on their team so they went on the look out across the globe. They then decided to abandon that idea and make life more of a challenge by hiring people to act for them in the world's mental hospitals. After a few nasty experiences with these people they decided to hire proffessional actors again, they did keep one of these intellectually challenged people though. So, with Robert Dorrell on the team, how could they fail? Quite easily was the obvious answer to this rather ridiculous question, so they turned to the Argos catalogue for help. Here they found Rick Wood, a rather mysterious character, half boy, half bunny. They couldn't help but fall for his innocence and bought him, plus he was on sale so it was a healthy choice for their wallets too. He soon proved himself a very useful part of the crew and his pig juggling trick always provided huge entertainment to the rest of the team. The growing crew were confident of their future but realised that they would need a true proffessional amongst their number.

It was down to pure luck that they spotted their hero, The Laughing Gorilla, presenting a wildlife programme on BBC 1. It was discovered that he and Sooty were due for a photo shoot for FHM France and Spontaneous Combustion Films decided that they must be there to meet them. Unfortunately their plane crashed so they were a vital 20 minutes late for the meeting, The Laughing Gorilla was already half way back to England by the time they had arrived. Despite this set back the crew were determined to get the talented ape on their side, no matter how long it took. It in fact took 27 seconds. With the experienced gorilla now a part of the team they decided to go for more new acting talents. They ended up in Russia by accident, but this was not entirely bad news. Just as they were about to get back into their trolley they discovered a boy begging on the streets, they couldn't help but help him. They picked him up limb by limb and put him in their vehicle. It was very time consuming to piece him together but they achieved their goal and all that was needed now was to give this...........thing a name. They decided on Peter Finbow due to its first words: "It stings and I feel dirty". It didn't take long for him to demonstrate his special talents to the crew, after just one game of Pictionary in fact he was accepted by the others as one of them.

Then things suddenly took a turn for the worse for the crew. It was a disaster beyond their worst nightmares.

After this set back their lives were put into perspective and the search was very much back on for more members. Sam Bartram was the next to join. He was spotted while competing in a worm chopping contest in his homeland of Ethiopia. There was only ever going to be one winner but unfortunately the crew couldn't tempt him so they settled with Sam instead. With the current trend in Hollywood blockbusters at the time being worm chopping he was potentially a crucial member of the team. Spontaneous Combustion Films were now on their 12th lap of the world and to their surprise the next few actors to join were in their homeland. In Scotland they found James Clarkson, a religious boy with a mysterious background. He has supernatural powers: when he puts on his magic fleece he can predict people's phone numbers just by looking at the telephone directory. His powers don't stop there either: he can turn telephones into wine, turn frogspawn into frogs and is able to turn his feet on and off whenever he wants, something for which many envy him for. He joined just a few days earlier than the next collegue, Alex Holland. His talent was immediately obvious as the crew spotted him at the annual typing championships, They were there despite the huge fees paid for tickets, almost £400 each, but times were hard and they needed some form of entertainment to keep their pointless little lives seem worth it. Mr Holland finished 1st 2nd and 3rd eventually and it was in fact he that approached the crew first but all he wanted to know was where they all got their hair done. After answering his question they asked him one of their own: "What is the heaviest land mammal of all time?" He answered incorrectly which was exactly what they wanted, their second question was simply to ask him to join, unfortunately he answered incorrectly again but after some research he found the right answer and joined the team. He was the penultimate but two person to join and also the most.

The next to join was James South, a former trapeze artist with a permanent cold. These, among many many many many many other attributes were the reasons that he was a perfect candidate to play the reject roles that nobody else wanted to play. Although he wasn't exactly told this at the time it was obvious that he was the kind of guy that thrives on such roles so the crew felt they were doing him a big favour. Despite a few disagreements and numerous wars he has now settled down into his new family: Spontaneous Combustion Films. Although The Laughing Gorilla was already a proud member of the greatest team on Earth it was the general concencus around the team that another true proffessional was required to play those genuine classic roles. Matthew Stone had just been sacked by Family Affairs and ran into the crew in their trolley at the local ice skating arena. Before anybody knew what was going on the highly reputed actor had signed a 400 year contract and was ready to start work. It was now the most perfect film making crew ever assembled and they knew it. Nothing else was left now but to start work on their first film: Jupiter XJBDH45J95GNG54J89.

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